Dirty Squirrel vs. Fake Guard Lady
First off, a prologue: It’s been three years to the week that I’ve been working at the OTB. It’s scary how fast the time’s gone by and how ridiculous it seems that I planned to only work there for six months or so. A co-worker congratulated me by telling me that we’d probably die together. Prologue over.
Dirty Squirrel is one of the least liked—no, most hated—customers from Branch 119, which is a pretty tough title to defend. He’s a tiny, old, ugly, and yes, dirty, Mexican man with thick black eyeglasses. Whenever anyone describes him or meets him, the word “nasty” is usually brought up. He’s a huge asshole, causing trouble with every clerk at every occasion, as well as with many customers on many occasions. He loves attention and is constantly trying to get it at any cost.
Fake Guard Lady is called Fake Guard Lady because no one’s thought of a better nickname for her yet. ‘Lady’ makes sense because she is in all likelihood a woman. She has wiry red head and a Homer Simpson figure. ‘Guard’ is an educated guess based not just on her personality, but the blazer she wears. She might be a doorman, but she’s probably a security guard for some office building nearby. She’s loud, loves to bet, and is probably psycho, medically speaking. You can pretty much tell something’s off—there aren’t too many physical details I can provide to support this argument. She pays with cash from her bra, literally opening up her blouse and sticking her hand under her bra, grabbing a wad of bills, paying me, waiting for the change, putting the change back in her bra cup, then buttoning up her blouse before leaving the window. It’s utterly macabre.
She also gets right in front of a TV during a race and starts screaming at the top of her lungs. By the last turn of the race, it sounds like she’s orgasming. Even more disturbing is the crowd of male customers surrounding her, obviously turned on, gawking at her and awkwardly getting closer to her as the race progresses.
One night recently, the Dirty Squirrel (he’s like Batman, you can call him Dirty Squirrel or The Dirty Squirrel, either way is fine) started a fight with another, unnicknamed black customer. This other guy was known to steal tickets and do other shady things, so he wasn’t exactly innocent. The fight got a little out of hand, and punches were thrown. The black guy then tried to pick up a full trash can to hurl at the Squirrel, but it was too heavy for him, and he fell on his ass.
That’s when the Fake Guard Lady intervened. She couldn’t help herself, apparently, protecting the people is in her DNA. Also, she’s bossy. So she jumps in between them, holding them back, yelling at them and telling them to calm down. Our security guard would’ve done it, but he and the rest of the company’s guards were laid off over a month ago. The customers, apparently though, didn’t know this, and the Lady actually broke up the fight because the black guy and the Dirty Squirrel thought she worked for OTB. (Hence the title ‘Fake.’) These guys were too drunk or stoned to realize that she was making bets and getting off in front of the Meadowlands TV five minutes earlier, and we didn’t feel like telling them because, frankly, she was a pretty decent guard. And since they thought she was with us, they thought she could kick them out of the branch, and God forbid they go a night without losing their money.
But about twenty minutes later, the black customer returned, now wielding a large stick. How or where, in the middle of Manhattan, he found a giant branch is beyond me, but I try not to let myself get surprised at the job anymore. Once again, the Guard Lady tried to break it up. Dirty Squirrel’s inner asshole overcame his fear of authority though, and this time he wouldn’t back down. Since she had no real authority, Dirty Squirrel just kept screaming. Eventually, the guy with the stick was kicked out by the manager, but the Squirrel was allowed to stay, annoying the hell out of everyone for yet another night. The Guard Lady was told to mind her own business, and went back to giving me the dry heaves with her bra-money. Dirty Squirrel won the battle. Assholes always win.
